Crash and Burn

Pre-post: I haven't reread this or edited this post. I punched out my feelings into a few words and it is what it is. Excuse my spelling and grammar errors, they are the least of my concerns right now.

 

 

Life is hard and messy and completely unfair. Distance is hard, some don't handle it near as well as others, but the key is to survive it. The last few days have a been a train wreck of confusion and questions and a lot of hurt. Brokenness that is so overwhelming that it makes it hard to eat, sleep, or live. I haven't ate in three days, i'm sleeping courtesy of a lot of medicine, and living is just happening and i'm not sure how. I will spare details for my sake and the sake of my relationship, because i believe some things deserve to stay behind closed doors.

Here's the deal, on Sunday my fairytale life crashed and burned, and from here i have no clue where to go. No clue what to believe, what to say, think, feel, or do. My entire world and everything i have had has been taken from me and i have never been so empty before. The brokenness is incomparable to anything i have ever felt in my entire life.

Through everything though i do know one thing and that is the day i met Brendon i fell in love with him, every piece of him, every dark place and broken piece i have loved in him. I also know that when i told him i loved him finally and i allowed my heart to be his, i did so with the intent that that is how it would remain. I did that with intent that from that day forward this was us, we were a team, and we would get through anything together. So here we are at the absolute lowest point of our relationship, and this is where things get real and hard and take an incredible amount of work. Right now i am angry, bitter, crushed, and i don't deserve a single ounce of anything i am going through, but such is life. As long as he is making efforts to get help and to change then i am staying. I made that vow and call me crazy but i stick to what i say.

The next few days ahead seem daunting, the months i know are going to be grueling, but i know that over time the healing will come. I know it will not be today, tomorrow, or next week, but it will come one day. My goal right now is to grieve this situation in the healthiest way i know possible and take things one day at a time. To eventually be able to freely give my trust out again, to not wonder what every single person i encounter is doing behind my back, change is gonna come......one day, not today.

I say all this because honestly it has consumed my every second of every day and i have nothing else to offer my blank space of interwebz today. I also write this to say that i will be MIA for a few weeks. I need to take this time away to most importantly work on our relationship in the short time we have left before deployment. The holidays are also approaching quickly and i need to be with my family and friends. I need to devote my attention to other places right now. I fully intend to keep up with this little space and i look forward to filling it up with my ramblings and thoughts on the days that deployment will surely make me crazy. I will catch up to ya in 2015 friends, xoxo.