1.
What is sleep? And who even does that? These days sleep has become a
word i don't even recollect the meaning of, it's insanity. I keep
telling everyone that the bags under my eyes are Prada, because i feel
like that is the most appropriate quote i have ever read to describe me
these days. Not exactly sure why i haven't been sleeping and i think a
few things go into play here. One, Brendon's time zone is 7 hours ahead
of EST. What that means is pretty much he wakes up between 11pm-2am my
time, which means texts, phone calls, facetime, whatever we can at that
time. I would say this totally sucks and i'm sick of him waking me up,
if that were truly the case, and he was waking me up but he is not
because normally i am wide awake. Which brings us to another point of
why am i wide awake during those crazy middle of the night hours. I have
always been a very stress-filled, anxious person by nature. It has been
something i have dealt with since a child and for the most part kept
under control just fine on my own, that is until last week. My anxiety
has hit new levels of insane, so much so i can barely function and it is
lovely. My body would rather lie awake in bed at night and worry about
all the "possibilities" than to rest. Don't worry i am going to the
doctor this week. Lack of sleep and unbearable anxiety are painting me a
whole new color of crazy that i am not sure anyone wants to handle,
including myself.
2. I will punch in the throat the next
person who says to me, "oh about 7 months, that's not to bad". Like
okay, go away, i totally understand there are longer deployments and
worse things that could happen, but i don't care and i think you're rude
and an idiot. Sorry not sorry. Here is my problem with this, the ones
who have said this to me i know for fact go home to their husband at
night, eat a meal at a table together, sleep beside their guy in a warm
bed. You don't get an opinion on "only 7 months" when you yourself don't
do it. #ByeFelicia
3. I never knew i was capable of having
complete meltdowns over the smallest, most miniscule things. Let me
give you an example, i cried my eyes out for 5 solid minutes on Saturday
when i started my shower water. Yep....i present you crazy. The thing
is, Bren and i have spent our entire relationship long distance. I have
started countless showers on my own, also to be noted i am very capable
of doing. But it's one of those things that makes me think of him and i
lost it. When we're together he always starts my shower for me, and it
is one of those "small things" about our relationship that i have grown
to love. Not because i can't do it myself or i am lazy, but because i am
practical and it is my love language. Some people want flowers and
gifts, and while those things are nice i am more like start my shower
and fill my car up with gas for me. Practical.
4. Am i the
only one who nearly went off the deep end trying to mail a package (or
3) to an APO/FPO address. Holy crap guys, i didn't expect it to be that
difficult in all my life. I have Priority Mail boxes and kits being
delivered to my house, but Brendon had requested me to mail a few things
he need and since i had to run to the post office anyways i decided i
would just go ahead and mail it, instead of waiting for the boxes to
come to my house. Let me be clear, i will not make the mistake of
visiting the post office on a Saturday again. There were tears and it
was very dramatic. I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, and i wish i
were kidding.
5. Going out is no longer
enjoyable. Saturday night my friends thought it would be good for me to
get out of the house and have a few drinks. So i dragged myself out of
the comfort of my bed and into something other than yoga pants and to
Dave & Busters. Y'all i was freaking out and ready to go within the
first 20 minutes. I don't know what was up but i felt so anxious that i
felt like i was crawling out of my skin. Of course i didn't drive and i
didn't want to ruin my friends night, so i just spent a lot of time
going to the restroom or outside for some air. By 11:30pm they could see
it all over me that i was just plain miserable and decided to cash in
their tickets and get me home. Thankfully i got home and Bren was
getting up so we got to text for a few minutes and that was very much
needed. Sunday i was in bed all day long until he convinced me that i
needed to get up and go to visit my grandparents, so i did and i'm
thankful that i did.
6. I will have the better end of
deployment body and that's a fact jack. Okay, that is probably a total
lie, but whatever i am tooting my own horn because i have been the the
gym 3 times since Friday. Bren and i have this unspoken "bet" going on
of who will be in better post deployment shape. Let's be clear.....ME!
LOL! I used to be totally into working out, i had a personal trainer, on
a high protein diet, i was hitting the gym 5-7 days a week and most of
the time for two-a-days. I was in shape y'all. I thoroughly enjoyed it
to. I loved to feel the burn and to lift heavy things and be so sore i
could barely move the next day. I ate it up. Then one day i was just
like I'm done and i stopped. Who knows why, there was no deciding
factor. These days i hate everything to with working out. I don't enjoy
the feeling, the exhaustion, the soreness. I want to eat pizza and
cookies and not worry about inches. But alas, here i am making an
effort. I keep hoping that one day soon my passion for exercise will hit
again and i will regain my mojo. Here's to wishful thinking. Side note:
I have to laugh at the gym now because i can totally see and hear
Brendon in my head screaming at me....errrrr...cheering me on with every
rep. That's weird.
7. I am tired of talking about a
wedding that we don't want to have. We got engaged. That is it. For some
odd reason in this crazy American culture that is cue for "OMG when is
the big day!? Do you have a dress? Make sure i get an invite? Will there
be beer?" Like guys, go away, you're making me need a beer right now! A
ring does not mean that there has to be a wedding. Point blank and
period. My fiance' is deployed and i am moving across the country in
about 5 months, the last thing i am concerned with is planning a
wedding. Oh and also i am not planning a wedding on the Marine Corps
schedule. We know the month he is expected to come home. There are 31
days in the projected month and it could be any of them.....or none of
them, because this is life in the Marine Corps. I will not plan an
entire wedding and then lose a whole lot of money because oh wait he is
not coming home until three months later. I'm just going to save myself
from that stress, thanks! :)
Seven points later and i
think i hit about 0.3493248398732 of the thoughts going on in my head.
If i wrote out everything going on i would be typing until next year and
if you are still reading this far you would surely stop there, so i'm
just going to save us all the agony of reading the madness that is going
on inside my brain. Cheers to today, we're getting that first Monday of
deployment out the way and i am ecstatic about that. I'm not normally
one to ask for advice, i hate advice, sue me LOL....but do any of you
lovely ladies have any advice on deployment? I feel like i can handle
advice from you ladies who live this life everyday so much better than
from people who just have no clue. Whatever. Here's to hoping these next
months fly by and plans go as smooth as hoped. Don't worry i'm not
holding my breath on that one.
Normal people don't understand what it's like to be separated from a loved one for months at a time. And it's not just that Bren is away, but the situation he is in. You know I'm always here for you girl and I'm not one of those "it's only 7 months" people.
ReplyDeleteI've always hated those customs forms! But, my post man always told me that I make it harder than it really is. Now that you know the right form to use, it will hopefully get better!
You know how to get a hold of me girl! I've been trying to give you a little space because I figured that people were bombarding you and I didn't want to annoy you like some other people do. Just let me know if you need me and I'll come running! :)